Or he needs to retire to a place where he can enjoy just the feeling of solitary. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. He was this way through their entire dating, engagement, and now marriage. My husband and I will go to a public driving range and a large bucket is $9. On top of that, he got sisters who also constantly texts him and hangs out with them a lot as well. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. And sorry about the relationship ramble aboveits Friday, what can I say? You are certainly not happy when unannounced visitors visit you, and you have a lot of work to do. I think its also different when it isnt your family. Yeah thats what I thought too, that the LW doesnt have to spend every minute there. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. LW, you are not being unreasonable! But I dont think giving him an ultimatum me or them is the best way to try to improve the situation. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). But come on, man! Maybe Im the weird one who, even if I leave work early, never seems to get home until wayyyy late. January 20, 2012, 11:26 am. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. Just because I didnt want to start over again. Get out and DO something. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. Or drive somewhere without lots of light pollution to go stargazing. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! If the relatives of only one spouse are prioritized, the other spouse will be dissatisfied. ok, well then really were talking about the same thing. What are the main reasons why he behaves like that: A guilty conscience makes your husband go to his family every weekend. Or pick berries. Plan a trip to visit your family. (Which she did and he didnt do anything about it.) That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. If hes not receptive, as others have said, I think you have your answer on how to proceed. December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. They were dating, they were both happy, so I think they both assumed that thinks will be the same once they move in together. If the LW has just been going every weekend without their being discussion, then that has to stop now. The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. The only way that this would be acceptable is if his wife is fine with this arrangement and she enjoys having quiet time to herself. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. Wendy has said she works 2 weeks or so in the future, which means she likely got this letter about two weeks ago which was right after a bunch of holidays! I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. I think it gives both of us an opportunity to have some alone time. Like the other commenters have said, just communicate! Im not saying its come to that yet, but Im suggesting the LW force her bf to choose if he wont honor her wish to stay home once in a while. but you have to talk to him about it. My husband likes Decompressing is a perfectly acceptable way to spend a weekend. my husband and i dont sit down and interrogate each other. Now he plans for you two to live as close to them as possible. All Im saying is be careful. January 20, 2012, 8:02 am. Maybe a couple times a week for dinner. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? But Im talking about my family. If the amount of time he spends with his parents is causing an issue in his relationship, then I would say its definitely a problem he needs to address. I wouldnt enjoy seeing my in-laws, let alone my own family, every weekend. If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. So you are in a happy relationship, and you both of you decide that you want to take the next step. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. AKchic January 20, 2012, 10:58 am. Explore a new neighborhood or close-by town? Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. Im 99% sure hell be fine with this, unless theres something going on with his family that you dont know about. She is communicating to us, that even though she is coming up short on the finance side, if her live in boyfriend eased off the time with the family visiting, she wouuld be ok. ForeverYoung If he goes alone to see his parents, I do slightly disagree with Wendys implication that this means he is choosing them over her. That was what I meant. So LW, if you dont like it, I think you should MOA. It also gets you out of the house so that, when his parents drop by, too bad, you arent there. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. I love girls night out. Youre right, LW, this is dysfunctional. They arent her parents. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? If you can be open minded, its very easy to compare this way of life to a cult truly. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Or I used to. Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. When you get home, youre probably tootired from work, finish the basic chores around the house, and then fall asleep halfway through a movie on the couch. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. CottonTheCuteDog Although, if this has been a pattern for him & its all he knows,& him & his family think its completely normal, the chance of getting him to acknowledge there is an issue is very slim. 5. im kind of confused. You dont want to talk about important issues with a SO so that you can pretend moving in together is a great idea because you dont know any better because you have SPECIFICALLY chosen not to know about better? LW I would advise you not to make it seem like you are asking your boyfriend to choose either you or his family. The LW needs to talk to her boyfriend about how his actions make her feel. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? To use my own example, my mom lives alone, she is not the most sociable person, so I go and see her for a couple of hours almost every weekend, while my BF does his own thing, whatever that may be. If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. ReginaRey Youve been together four months. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. I could say that he can go by himself for these things, but I want the weekends for quality couple time since we both have pretty demanding jobs during the week. I feel like this letter would have been far more appropriate AFTER a conversation where the boyfriend shut her down. And unless he has something planned, he stays in reading/watching TV/listening to music until bed at midnight. husband goes to his parents every weekend. On the weekends he spends at Your husband fears marriage will estrange him from his family, so he has to visit them every weekend. If he did this every single night, though, I would not be so supportive, to say the least. It seems like this is something that would be pretty easy to compromise on. Its really hard taking care of yourself after a divorce, if you dont have a good career or come from a wealthy family. June 18, 2014, 12:41 pm. . Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. Its over the top. LW is definitely being reasonable in not wanting to spend every weekend with her boyfriends family. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. January 20, 2012, 9:53 am. LW you seem a lot more independant than you BF, and I feel like this is just the begining of you feeling like this, so if you havent yet just have a plan to move out if things arent working out. Do something small to build trust, and then your relationship will slowly but surely flourish. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. January 20, 2012, 10:51 am, lets_be_honest The adult children are taught to never make a decision without consulting the parents or family. Husband says we will spend Christmasses together when we have our own family. And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). What I am saying that the best time to discuss your spending habits is not when the bill is already on the table, or you dont discuss birth control when you are both naked and about to have sex. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. Keep in mind that anything that upsets this balance is going to seem drastic. Some things you may never known until you move in together. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. 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