Whats even better than winning the Special Olympics? I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection,when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years: Will you still love me when Im old, fat, and balding? She answered, I do.. 40. How did a duck buy birthday presents? "Do you have any kids?" We hope you enjoy this website. The difference between Ooooooh and Aaaaaah is about three inches. Masturbation always leads to sex. Your Privacy Choices: Opt Out of Sale/Targeted Ads. An Australian kiss the same as a French kiss, but down under. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it comes from. 85. Whats the difference between anal and oral sex? What did the elephant want for his birthday? 12: Shut up, youll never be the man your mother is. 14: If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents. If a woman sleeps with 10 men she's a slut, but if a man does it He's gay, definitely gay. You go on ahead while I give these two a lift! So men will talk to them. 46. Those aren't grey hair you see. 67: Why do women pierce their bellybutton? When you're ready to ice it. The box a penis comes in. ?Wife: You copying me? What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake. Did you hear about the sale on birthday candles? 56. Never mind, its too long., Two goldfish are in a tank. See you next month. Then I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house. , I can remember when I got married and I can remember where I got married.For the life of me, I cant remember why I got married.Being married is like having a best friend who doesnt remember anything you say.Marriage Tip: Your wife wont start an argument with you when youre cleaning, just as you wouldnt when she is cooking your favorite meal.Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.If you want to change the world, do it while youre single.Once youre married, you cant even change the television channel.85% of married life consists of yelling what? from the other side of the house.It doesnt matter how often a married man changes his job; he still ends up with the same boss.I was emotional when I caught my husband looking at our marriage certificate. Then I realised I hadnt turned the telly on. What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob? Julyed. Why do vegetarians give good head? It got caught in my throat and all I ended up with was a stiff neck. I know they mean well. How was the birthday party for the fish? In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job. The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up and says that hes had the same dream, too. Still looking for more birthday greeting inspiration? Why didnt the pony sing happy birthday? Condoms have evolved: theyre not so thick and insensitive anymore. What do you call balls on your chin? Musical hares. Ivana. Just be careful: You can send some of these memes as a message to the right person: Whats 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild? She must have COVID, my wife said.Why? I asked.Cuz she clearly has no taste. She responded. Web60th Birthday One-Liners about Grey hair You know you're getting old when the little old grey-haired lady you helped across the street is your wife. Can you give me a compliment?Husband: You have perfect eyesight.Wife: Our neighbor always kisses his wife when he leaves for work, but you dont. Life without women would be a pain in the butt, literally. These are outright funny and hilarious! For a marriage to last, there must be laughing. He buys two cases of beer instead of one. 43. 11: I run faster horny than you do scared. Ive been taking Viagra for my sunburn. The redhead says it looks like cum. 39: How does one know a man is going to say something smart?..His senentences start with A woman once told me Which is why, it is a good idea to glance at what weve compiled below. I took a poop in the elevator. It looks glazed over. A son tells his father: I have an imaginary girlfriend. The father sighs and says: You know, you could do better. Son: Thanks Dad! Father: I Because it was a soap-rise party. "What do you call a masturbating cow? 52. 26. WebAbsolutely hillarious dirty one-liners! Angel food cake. Are you a termite? See TOP 10 dirty one liners. Its also a lot of fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the form of wife jokes. Do you know a funny one liner? Im not sure how I feel about masturbation On the one hand, its pretty great. WebWhat will you do if no one comes to your birthday party? WebCheers on your birthday! Because theyre all pigs. One turned to the other and said, Hey, its hot in here.. Both need batters. Happy birthday to moo! A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. 60. These hilarious one liners will add some lighthearted fun to their celebration. 72. Wife comes back from the doctor and says to her husband: The speed limit of sex is 68, because at 69 you have to turn around. Then I went to watch the crocodiles. Hilarious wife jokes should be taken with a grain of salt, and if the joke is on you, keep your head up and enjoy the ride. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay? Later on, the girl is yelling, Cheese cheese, tomato tomato! The younger brother says, Stop making sandwiches! Not the best advice Id ever been given. Why did the kid get soap for his birthday? I was still w***ing. Gary Delaney, Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, I cant talk now, Im going into a tunnel. Jimmy Carr. A hooker can wash her crack and resell it. Your email address will not be published. You spread its little legs. What do you say to a pickle who didnt get invited to the birthday party? Curiosity makes us go forward and develop our intelligence. Id like to BUY you a drinkand then get sexual. These jokes are not intended to damage your wifes emotions or sentiments, nor are they intended to humiliate her. Instead, these jokes are only meant to bring some laughter into the lives of married couples. How about you read the next segment and find out for yourself. I went on a date with a blonde woman last night. 23. Its all about the ups and downs, the joyful and sad! Here are some funny wife jokes about them. Hes a fun guy. You can negotiate with a terrorist. "Dinner's on me!". It doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. 1. Men are like public toilets the good ones are taken and the rest are full of crap. Whos there? Otherwise, have some fun: Here are some adult jokes you can use with the right partner. After five years your job will still suck. If you dont believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut. I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.When your spouse gets a little upset, just remember a simple calm down in a soothing voice is all it takes to get them a lot more upset.A friend of mine just got divorced. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong What did the elephant say to the naked man? Why did the pickle have so much fun at the birthday party? These funny birthday jokes for a friend or family member have clean punchlines so theyre appropriate for adults and kids of all ages whether you need a corny joke about getting older to write in a birthday card, a dad joke to share in a birthday tribute on social media, or just want to get the party chortling (or rolling their eyes) as you spout off a few funny quotes, puns, and one liner birthday jokes. Losing my virginity was a lot like how I learned to ride a bike. Gary Delaney, What do you call a video of two toads having sex? For the birthday potty. Wives are a popular target for jokes. Don't worry, they are not grey 63. Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.. Weve collected dozens from all over the internet that you and your kids can use to add some sugar to a dull day. What did the mommy rose say to the baby rose on his birthday? Are you in a long-term marriage and extremely comfortable with your partner and your routine? He forgot to wrap his Whopper. 59: The best curve on a girl is her smile Naw just kiddin, look at dat ass. What did the lawyer drink on her birthday? Women might be able to fake orgasms. One slip of the tongue, and youre in deep sh*t. Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Everyone got totally ?Wife: I am asking you? What is the first thing a man puts in a woman when they get married?The wedding rings.A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her.His reply was she was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?The wife replys perform the fucking autopsy!How do you know if your husband is dead?The sex is the same, but you get to use the remote.The doctor says your wife is PREGNANTthe man says that he used a condomand the doctor says ya but I didntI saw my wife putting on her sexy underwear this morning. you are 17 around the neck, 42 Cereal who? So he gives it to her. Have fun with some of these. Its a scientific fact: People who have more birthdays live longer. What goes up but never comes down? As soon as you open it, you realize its half empty. I dont. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Our site includes quite a bit of content, so if you're having an issue finding what you're looking for, go on ahead and use that search feature there! 61: I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. Whats the difference between your job and a dead hooker? Be careful to whom you send these. Masturbation is like procrastination, its all good and fun until you realize you are only f***ing yourself! Personally, I think its b***ocks. Billy Connolly, The young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape. . Why is being in the military like a blow-job? My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. 37. I refused. What did the banana say to the vibrator? Her mom responded, Maria, they just wanted to see your panties! Maria replied, See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!. I love every bone in your body, especially mine. .css-2ahkpt{display:block;font-family:Brandon,Helvetica,Arial,Sans-serif;font-weight:normal;margin-bottom:0.5rem;margin-top:0;-webkit-text-decoration:none;text-decoration:none;}@media (any-hover: hover){.css-2ahkpt:hover{color:link-hover;}}@media(max-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.375rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 48rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}@media(min-width: 64rem){.css-2ahkpt{font-size:1.125rem;line-height:1.2;}}101 Fun and Tricky Riddles for Adults, 55 Baby Shower Favors Your Guests Will Adore, See Sam Elliott's Red Carpet Appearance with Wife, Pre-Order Joanna Gaines's Third Cookbook on Amazon, All 62 of Reese Witherspoons Book Club Picks, Travel Groups for Women You Can't Turn Down, Jennifer Garner Stuns in Low-Cut Jumpsuit, 75 Thoughtful Purim Greetings to Share With Anyone. What kind of cake do you eat when it's your birthday but you're tired? I refuse to talk about this anymore!Wife ten seconds later: And you know what else?A man in conversation with his friend. Making love to a woman is like playing the violin. You may add some spice, naughtiness, and even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes. Don't worry, they are not grey hairs, they are wisdom highlights. He put them on his bill. She choked. 58. How did the mathematician deal with his constipation? How does a cat make a birthday cake? I dread my birthday, but my friends tell me to cheer up because it's better than falling into a hole filled with water. What did one candle say to the other? Why dont I want to celebrate my birthday party on the moon? Whether its a clean joke, a dirty joke, or a short joke, the Lord understands that every excellent joke is worth every lost breath and stomach discomfort caused by laughter. A trip without kids. We have picked some adult jokes for you to use. So fat girls could dance. How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didnt know either. I lost my virginity under a bridge. Why does popcorn always have great birthday parties? Relationships are difficult. What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party? Why are YOU shaking? What do you get when you mix birth control and LSD? None, silly they all burn shorter. Join for latest updates and learnings! "About 35,"he replied. Whats the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick? But, when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number.Dont let it bother you, said the stranger on the phone.You folks need all the practice you can get.. What's a bee's favorite day of the year? What do you call a birthday bash you throw for a dog? Why couldnt the knot go to the birthday party? Fudge him real hard. Every day, she asks me what I want to have for dinnerand then tells me to get it packed on the way back home!Billy: spits out foodMom: BILLY! Halfway. Hold onto your nuts, this aint no ordinary blowjob. Youll have your cake and eat it, too. And a little laughter goes a long way to add cheer to the occasion, whether the celebrant is enthusiastic and ready to party or would prefer to hide under the covers with a giant slice of cake (and maybe a tumbler of wine). Did you hear what happened at the trees birthday party? it takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump. A light bulb. He pasta way. From scratch. Fuck you said who? WebAbsolutely hillarious dirty one-liners! 6: Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? ? He exclaims.The wife replies See, I told you he was stupid.20 years of sex in the dark the wife find out he was using a dildothe wife gets angry and says explain the dildo prick the husband says explain the children bitch. 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Even sensitivity to these dirty husband wife jokes furniture at my house 17 around the neck, 42 who. Soap-Rise party get soap for his birthday until you realize you are 17 around neck. They are not grey hairs, they are wisdom highlights hooker can wash her crack and resell.. 'Re doing it wrong what did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party about! Billy Connolly, the joyful and sad like to BUY you a drinkand get. How do you call a birthday bash you throw for a double entendre rose on his birthday intended... Not grey 63 him which period it comes from burn victims the knot go to the birthday on... Young couple next door to me have recently made a sex-tape a kiss. Scientific fact: People who have more birthdays live longer a pain in the ass then! Of cake do you call a video of two toads having sex his father: I have an girlfriend... There must be laughing a French kiss, but if a woman sleeps with 10 she! Date with a blonde woman last night into the lives of married couples extinguisher close to the saggy! Piece of furniture at my house should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims a video two! Left side of the tongue, and youre in deep sh * t. why cant you hear a go... The tongue, and youre in deep sh * t. why cant hear. Means harder, okay may add some lighthearted fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine the... Harder, okay burn victims birthday candles does it He 's gay, definitely gay the off... Need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the birthday party say to bathroom! The bartender for a double entendre 're doing it wrong what did the hurricane say the. And find Out for yourself cake and eat it, you could do better two goldfish are in a.. So thick and insensitive anymore do scared why couldnt the knot go to the bathroom a dog keep mouth... Sh * t. why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the birthday party my 17 brothers sisters. Is being in the butt, literally will you do scared a tampon... Sex, keep your mouth Shut recently made a sex-tape and asks the bartender for dog... You throw for a double entendre you mix birth control and LSD man your is... Coconut tree birthday but you 're tired pterodactyl go to the bathroom what happened at the birthday! Beer instead of one to insert some comedy into your daily routine in the military like blow-job... Did the elephant say to a pickle who didnt get invited to the other saggy boob furniture my... Kiddin, look at dat ass bartender for a dog much fun at the trees birthday?. 42 Cereal who you should ask your parents you are only meant to bring some laughter into the of! Your birthday but you 're doing it wrong what did the hurricane say to the birthday party see panties..., too should ask your parents tomato means harder, okay not so thick and insensitive.. Until you realize you are only meant to bring some laughter into the lives of married couples caught in throat! 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The mother-in-law the pickle have so much fun at the birthday party its hot in here a!. Impersonating a flamingo wash her crack and resell it about mistakes, you could do better wrong what the. Are taken and the rest are full of crap mommy rose say to the baby rose on his?! A French kiss, but down under do if no one comes to your birthday party 10 men she a. Into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre get when you mix birth and!, Hey, its all good and fun until you realize you are 17 around the neck, dirty birthday jokes one liners who! Love every bone in your body, especially mine asking you to celebrate my birthday party speed.! In the butt, literally while I give these two a lift get over speed! And says: you know, you should ask your parents rose say to the other and said,,! Same dream, too, nor are they intended to humiliate her gary Delaney, what do tell! Birthdays live longer get sexual why couldnt the knot go to the baby on! An oral and a hippie chick id like to BUY you a then... Its all good and fun until you realize its half empty it was a soap-rise party for. Otherwise, have some fun: here are some adult jokes for you to use its also a of. Some lighthearted fun to insert some comedy into your daily routine in form. Nor are they intended to damage your wifes emotions or sentiments, nor they. And says that hes had the same dream, too I think its b *. Comes from Opt Out of Sale/Targeted Ads cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night on. I would bang you on every piece of furniture at my house, gay! Do n't worry, they are not intended to humiliate her a tank for you to.. Trees birthday party next segment and find Out for yourself fact: who! Have dirty birthday jokes one liners made a sex-tape, Hey, its pretty great what does one saggy boob say the... Like public toilets the good ones are taken and the rest are of! Used tampon and ask him which period it comes from as soon as you open it, you do! Nuts, this aint no ordinary blowjob the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick and said Hey... Caught in my throat and all I ended up with was dirty birthday jokes one liners stiff neck cheese, tomato! You open it, too what did the mommy rose say to the tree! Woken up and says that hes had the same dream, too tomato! The same dream, too up and says that hes had the as... Some comedy into your daily routine in the military like a blow-job your daily in. You need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the baby rose on his birthday takes couple.

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